When you’ve been looking for something for so long and then on one perfect day you finally found it, can you actually ever forget about it?
Can you ever get over it?
Can I ever get over you?
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Cuivis Dolori Remedium Est Patientia.
Been reading this great book by Ika Natassa titled The Architecture of Love and it brings back the waves. It never goes away, but I am trying to never show it again to the point where I almost believe that I am healing. I thought I have mastered the art of swimming/surfing to the coast, yet here I am diving deeper into the abyss. Deeper and deeper until it becomes too deep. Funny how I cried less and less and less, yet I miss you more and more and more.
I think I find a lot of similarities with Raia, the main character of the story. The way she thinks. The way she uses words (in the novel, she is a writer). The way she lost and try to find herself. And also, the way she fell in love. I almost want to meet her only to remember that she is only fictional.
"Banyak hal yang lebih mudah disarankan daripada dilakukan. Seperti meminta maaf, memulai sesuatu dari awal, pindah, sampai menyatakan cinta." said Ika in her book. I don't know which word I really want to say. Both of them, I guess. Yet at the same time, I also have to start over. Wow. Now I know why it felt so hard.
"Satu hal yang menenangkan dari patah hati adalah paling tidak, tidak ada seorang pun yang kebal darinya," she said again.
I think the hardest person to be patient with is yourself. I have this high expectation of myself to handle everything "like an adult". Even my therapist tell me to do so. Come to think of it, what does handling everything like an adult means? Does it mean being "professional", able to function properly as a productive human being, part of a bigger and more productive society, even though you're falling apart everyday inside? Is it even possible? Is it even humane to even expect something like that from someone? What kind of world are we live in right now? They all said it's a cruel one, but never have I ever thought it would be this heartless.
I'm someone who always try to do something as fast and efficient as I possibly can. But with heartbreak, there's no instant fix. As far as I know, there's no medication that can take away the pain (hell, we don't even know the exact pathophysiological mechanism of a heartbreak!) there might be some things that momentarily relieves the pain such as spending time with friends or being busy and productive, but a great physician treats the disease and not the illness, right? At least now I know how it feels to have an (seemingly) incurable disease.
They said time heals everything. If time is the drug, then the amount of it is the dose. I wonder how much do I need for it to heal the scars and the wounds you left me with. I wonder if it was because the scars were too deep, or the cuts keep forming new ones everyday. "Love someone who didn't love you back, and you'll die daily" they said.
I hate how even after all this time, you still have this great effect in my life, the way I think and do everything. But maybe I have worn a rose-stained glass a tad too thick for you to handle. I'm sorry.
To you, my achilles heel.
You still are.
Signing off,
K
I think I find a lot of similarities with Raia, the main character of the story. The way she thinks. The way she uses words (in the novel, she is a writer). The way she lost and try to find herself. And also, the way she fell in love. I almost want to meet her only to remember that she is only fictional.
"Banyak hal yang lebih mudah disarankan daripada dilakukan. Seperti meminta maaf, memulai sesuatu dari awal, pindah, sampai menyatakan cinta." said Ika in her book. I don't know which word I really want to say. Both of them, I guess. Yet at the same time, I also have to start over. Wow. Now I know why it felt so hard.
"Satu hal yang menenangkan dari patah hati adalah paling tidak, tidak ada seorang pun yang kebal darinya," she said again.
I think the hardest person to be patient with is yourself. I have this high expectation of myself to handle everything "like an adult". Even my therapist tell me to do so. Come to think of it, what does handling everything like an adult means? Does it mean being "professional", able to function properly as a productive human being, part of a bigger and more productive society, even though you're falling apart everyday inside? Is it even possible? Is it even humane to even expect something like that from someone? What kind of world are we live in right now? They all said it's a cruel one, but never have I ever thought it would be this heartless.
I'm someone who always try to do something as fast and efficient as I possibly can. But with heartbreak, there's no instant fix. As far as I know, there's no medication that can take away the pain (hell, we don't even know the exact pathophysiological mechanism of a heartbreak!) there might be some things that momentarily relieves the pain such as spending time with friends or being busy and productive, but a great physician treats the disease and not the illness, right? At least now I know how it feels to have an (seemingly) incurable disease.
They said time heals everything. If time is the drug, then the amount of it is the dose. I wonder how much do I need for it to heal the scars and the wounds you left me with. I wonder if it was because the scars were too deep, or the cuts keep forming new ones everyday. "Love someone who didn't love you back, and you'll die daily" they said.
I hate how even after all this time, you still have this great effect in my life, the way I think and do everything. But maybe I have worn a rose-stained glass a tad too thick for you to handle. I'm sorry.
To you, my achilles heel.
You still are.
Signing off,
K
Friday, September 8, 2017
Friday, September 1, 2017
Self-Reminder
Yang patah tumbuh, yang hilang berganti.
Yang hancur lebur akan terobati.
Yang sia-sia akan jadi makna.
Yang terus berulang suatu saat henti.
Yang pernah jatuh ‘kan berdiri lagi.
Yang patah tumbuh, yang hilang berganti.
Yang patah (semoga) tumbuh,
Yang hilang (semoga) berganti.
Semoga.
Yang patah tumbuh, yang hilang berganti.
Yang patah (semoga) tumbuh,
Yang hilang (semoga) berganti.
Semoga.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
How To Find Romance
Conceptualizing and trying to understand things from writings and other people's experience is very very different than actually experiencing it (duh). If you are brave enough to love so deeply, darling, then you should know that it always comes with a price. A risk. It always is. You've loved so deeply you could drown. Yet you still do it for the same amount of chance of finding the lost Atlantis under the sea. The chance of finding the "you" you lost a long time ago, or the "you" you've been looking for all this time.
When did all the songs start to makes sense? It does feel like an addiction. It does feel like butterflies, or zoos (yes, a couple of them) in your stomach. It does feel like the sharp edges of broken glasses gently jabbed into you. It is painful, yet you smiled. You smiled because you think of what it could've been. You smiled but you shed tears. Paradox after paradox after paradox. Something I couldn't grasp yet. Just like you.
Curiosity killed the cat. Uncertainty kills me. It needs time, but how much? It needs space. But how much? How could one just live with that kind of blurry hopes and dreams and move on? Or do they actually struggle everyday but they're just so good at it no one had noticed?
Yes, it would be very easy to forget you.
The thing is, I don't want to.
No, not yet.
It's something a fool would do.
But what can I say?
Guess I'm a fool for you.
When did all the songs start to makes sense? It does feel like an addiction. It does feel like butterflies, or zoos (yes, a couple of them) in your stomach. It does feel like the sharp edges of broken glasses gently jabbed into you. It is painful, yet you smiled. You smiled because you think of what it could've been. You smiled but you shed tears. Paradox after paradox after paradox. Something I couldn't grasp yet. Just like you.
Curiosity killed the cat. Uncertainty kills me. It needs time, but how much? It needs space. But how much? How could one just live with that kind of blurry hopes and dreams and move on? Or do they actually struggle everyday but they're just so good at it no one had noticed?
Yes, it would be very easy to forget you.
The thing is, I don't want to.
No, not yet.
It's something a fool would do.
But what can I say?
Guess I'm a fool for you.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Saya Kira Kamu Rumah.
Saya tinggal di sebuah kota.
Tapi saya belum menemukan rumah.
Dia terus berkelana entah mencari apa.
Tidak mengapa, cinta.
Saya tunggu disini.
Saya tunggu kamu kembali dengan sejuta cerita.
Tidak mengapa, cinta.
Saya tunggu disini.
Saya tunggu kamu kembali ke pelukan saya, selamanya.
Amigdala - Ku Kira Kamu Rumah
Tapi saya belum menemukan rumah.
Dia terus berkelana entah mencari apa.
Tidak mengapa, cinta.
Saya tunggu disini.
Saya tunggu kamu kembali dengan sejuta cerita.
Tidak mengapa, cinta.
Saya tunggu disini.
Saya tunggu kamu kembali ke pelukan saya, selamanya.
Amigdala - Ku Kira Kamu Rumah
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Echo #1 : Words.
I have your words echo in my head everyday. Thinking about it becomes a daily thing I do. My brain just puts it in the "background processing mode" so that I can (hopefully) still function as a normal human being.
I don't know how someone can love so deeply, gets rejected, move on, and then love again. If one unrequited love feels this bad, how does divorcing 9x feel like? How does being left at the altar feels like? Love sounds more and more like this dangerous game to me.
Does time actually heals? If so, how? Or do you just learn how to live with the pain?
Do you hate me? If so, how much? tell me.
Do you?
Do you?
Do you?
I'm tired of waiting, but I don't want to stop. I kind of know it is pointless and such a waste of time, but can I at least try? It really is up to me, so why am I constantly seeking validations from people? What kind of answer am I trying to get, really?
I've never been the best at letting go.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can we start over?
Echo is a series of posts containing my thoughts that I can't really turn into paragraphs. Not necessarily a result of contemplation, just something that I can't get off of my head. Does writing about it actually help?
I don't know how someone can love so deeply, gets rejected, move on, and then love again. If one unrequited love feels this bad, how does divorcing 9x feel like? How does being left at the altar feels like? Love sounds more and more like this dangerous game to me.
Does time actually heals? If so, how? Or do you just learn how to live with the pain?
Do you hate me? If so, how much? tell me.
Do you?
Do you?
Do you?
I'm tired of waiting, but I don't want to stop. I kind of know it is pointless and such a waste of time, but can I at least try? It really is up to me, so why am I constantly seeking validations from people? What kind of answer am I trying to get, really?
I've never been the best at letting go.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can we start over?
Echo is a series of posts containing my thoughts that I can't really turn into paragraphs. Not necessarily a result of contemplation, just something that I can't get off of my head. Does writing about it actually help?
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Believe Me, I've Tried.
Saya ingin benci, tapi tidak bisa.
Saya ingin benci kamu karena kamu selalu buat saya terjaga tiap malam.
Tapi tidak bisa.
Karena kamu juga yang buat saya semangat jalani hari.
Setiapnya satu hari lebih dekat untuk bertemu denganmu.
Saya ingin benci kamu karena kamu jarang mengabari saya.
Tapi tidak bisa.
Karena kamu, saya terus berusaha dekat denganNya.
Menyelipkan namamu dalam doa.
Saya ingin benci kamu karena kamu selalu sibuk.
Tapi tidak bisa.
Justru kamu yang memaksa saya mengisi hari-hari saya dengan kegiatan yang produktif.
At least, it took my mind away from you for a while.
Saya ingin benci kamu karena sepertinya kamu mempermainkan perasaan saya.
Tapi tidak bisa.
Karena saya tahu betul, rindu saya bukan tanggung jawabmu.
Saya ingin benci kamu karena paling tidak untuk sekarang kamu terlihat sangat sempurna.
Tapi saya tidak bisa memilikimu.
Kata orang cinta tidak harus memiliki,
Tapi siapa yang tidak ingin memiliki apa-apa yang mereka cintai?
Saya ingin benci kamu jadi saya tidak perlu menangisi yang tak perlu setiap malam.
Tapi tidak bisa.
Jika saya membencimu, apa yang akan membuat saya tersenyum setiap harinya?
Saya ingin benci kamu.
Tapi kamu malah buat saya makin cinta.
Saya ingin benci kamu karena kamu selalu buat saya terjaga tiap malam.
Tapi tidak bisa.
Karena kamu juga yang buat saya semangat jalani hari.
Setiapnya satu hari lebih dekat untuk bertemu denganmu.
Saya ingin benci kamu karena kamu jarang mengabari saya.
Tapi tidak bisa.
Karena kamu, saya terus berusaha dekat denganNya.
Menyelipkan namamu dalam doa.
Saya ingin benci kamu karena kamu selalu sibuk.
Tapi tidak bisa.
Justru kamu yang memaksa saya mengisi hari-hari saya dengan kegiatan yang produktif.
At least, it took my mind away from you for a while.
Saya ingin benci kamu karena sepertinya kamu mempermainkan perasaan saya.
Tapi tidak bisa.
Karena saya tahu betul, rindu saya bukan tanggung jawabmu.
Saya ingin benci kamu karena paling tidak untuk sekarang kamu terlihat sangat sempurna.
Tapi saya tidak bisa memilikimu.
Kata orang cinta tidak harus memiliki,
Tapi siapa yang tidak ingin memiliki apa-apa yang mereka cintai?
Saya ingin benci kamu jadi saya tidak perlu menangisi yang tak perlu setiap malam.
Tapi tidak bisa.
Jika saya membencimu, apa yang akan membuat saya tersenyum setiap harinya?
Saya ingin benci kamu.
Tapi kamu malah buat saya makin cinta.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Rindu
Saya rindu. Tapi mau bilang pada siapa? Tuhan? Mungkin sekarang Dia sedang murka atas kerinduan saya sampai Dia berikan pedihnya pengharapan pada hamba-Nya ini.
Saya rindu. Tapi mau bilang siapa? Teman dekatmu yang bahkan tak kukenal itu? Peduli apa dia? Sekadar menyampaikan salam, tak mengurangi rasa.
Saya rindu. Tapi mau bilang pada siapa? Barisan penonton yang setia menyorakimu? Bagi mereka, kamu cuma salah satu peserta. Bagi saya, kamu juaranya.
Saya rindu. Tapi mau bilang pada siapa? Teman-temanku yang sudah bahagia itu? Ah sudahlah, ada ratusan hal penting dalam daftar mereka dibanding sekadar perasaan saya.
Saya rindu. Tapi mau bilang siapa?
Kamu yang ada disana, yang sedang tertawa bahagia?
Ah sudahlah. Apa artinya air mata. Toh berapapun yang kuteteskan tak membawaku lebih dekat denganmu.
Saya rindu. Tapi mungkin saya harus tau diri. Banyak yang lebih butuh kamu dibanding saya. Meski dirimu bukan sesuatu yang dengan senang hati kubagi.
Saya rindu. Entah sampai kapan.
Saya rindu. Entah apa akan terbalaskan.
Saya rindu.
Are you feeling it too?
Friday, July 28, 2017
Photo Journal : Heart And Soul
Been loving this old song by Bea Wain called Heart And Soul. Please listen to it while scrolling through the photographs taken by yours truly :)
Kelvin here,
signing off.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Photo Journal : The Playground and The Tennis Court
Find myself getting more interested in portrait photography more than ever! The art of capturing someone's essence in a single photo is very addictive (not saying that I am a pro. Heck, I'm not even sure if I have ever done that before.) I was very lucky because one of my senior back at high school and volunteering days was kind enough to let me take pictures of her! Her name is Dwike and I always admire her passion in community service and social work. She is also very energetic almost every time I meet her (don't know how she manages to do that.) She's just an all around fun girl to be with~
So I guess what better way to show that than a photoshoot at a playground? And that's exactly what we did! (though later we also took a few shots at the tennis court nearby.) As usual, constructive criticism is very welcomed! :)
AAAANNDDD FOR THE LAST PICTURE:
HAHAHA. you know, being a (self-proclaimed) photographer, you don't always get your picture taken a lot. It's usually the other way. And I guess the sun and the light are very beautiful that I just need to have at least one picture 😛
Anyway, this is not all of the picture we have taken. I figure that it would be very weird to have one super long post full of pictures so do wait for part 2! (also still trying to figure out how to make picture slideshows for the blog.)
After the photoshoot, we had a very late lunch at Noodle Inc. It was v good :) (partly because I didn't pay for it. But I promise I'll pay you back ASAP Mbak Ke!!)
See you on the next post!
Kelvin here,
Signing off.
So I guess what better way to show that than a photoshoot at a playground? And that's exactly what we did! (though later we also took a few shots at the tennis court nearby.) As usual, constructive criticism is very welcomed! :)
AAAANNDDD FOR THE LAST PICTURE:
HAHAHA. you know, being a (self-proclaimed) photographer, you don't always get your picture taken a lot. It's usually the other way. And I guess the sun and the light are very beautiful that I just need to have at least one picture 😛
Anyway, this is not all of the picture we have taken. I figure that it would be very weird to have one super long post full of pictures so do wait for part 2! (also still trying to figure out how to make picture slideshows for the blog.)
After the photoshoot, we had a very late lunch at Noodle Inc. It was v good :) (partly because I didn't pay for it. But I promise I'll pay you back ASAP Mbak Ke!!)
See you on the next post!
Kelvin here,
Signing off.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Quote of The Day
"Never regret love, darlings. No matter how blind, it improved your vision. No matter how foolish, it made you wiser. And no matter how generous, it made your more."
-Nicoline Patricia Malina
-Nicoline Patricia Malina
Reasoning Love.
I'm so used to your schedule I find myself waking up in the middle of the night for nothing. "What the f" I murmur to myself. Those were usually the times when you'll reply my messages. If you want to, that is. Don't know why I think I need to stay up late just so I can text you back right away but that's just what love does, right?
Yeah. You wouldn't even care.
What do you do when you give everything you have (at least, emotionally) to someone yet they don't seem to respond to that? Can you actually just take everything back and move on? I wish it was that simple.
You said you needed time, but you don't know how much. You said you needed space, but you don't know how much either. What guarantees me to still be in part of your matrix? What guarantees me not disappearing in your space-time continuum as "just another ripple"?
At least you're being honest.
What is love without a compromise? You are not something to be owned, darling. And neither am I. You don't want to change a thing for me. And neither am I. I thought you wanted this to work but the way you let everybody else but me writes their so-called love marks on your body answers everything. But hey, maybe this is the "special treatment". Still trying to think positively as you told me to. Weird, right?
I cannot figure out where everything went wrong partly because of Lorde.
In my head I do everything right.
When you call I forgive and not fight.
Wild and fluorescent...
Come home to my heart.
Now don't you ever dare telling me "you're not ready yet." No. You are not ready. You don't want to compromise and where's the love in that? Tell me, cause I'm not feeling anything at all.
So thanks for everything, I guess. The high does not worth the pain. At least for now. It might be because the scar is so brand new it stings way worse than what your smile could ever handle. It's 3 in the morning and I can't let you take another hour from me. Not this time.
Oh god, take this feeling away.
Kelvin here, signing off.
Yeah. You wouldn't even care.
What do you do when you give everything you have (at least, emotionally) to someone yet they don't seem to respond to that? Can you actually just take everything back and move on? I wish it was that simple.
You said you needed time, but you don't know how much. You said you needed space, but you don't know how much either. What guarantees me to still be in part of your matrix? What guarantees me not disappearing in your space-time continuum as "just another ripple"?
At least you're being honest.
What is love without a compromise? You are not something to be owned, darling. And neither am I. You don't want to change a thing for me. And neither am I. I thought you wanted this to work but the way you let everybody else but me writes their so-called love marks on your body answers everything. But hey, maybe this is the "special treatment". Still trying to think positively as you told me to. Weird, right?
I cannot figure out where everything went wrong partly because of Lorde.
In my head I do everything right.
When you call I forgive and not fight.
Wild and fluorescent...
Come home to my heart.
Now don't you ever dare telling me "you're not ready yet." No. You are not ready. You don't want to compromise and where's the love in that? Tell me, cause I'm not feeling anything at all.
So thanks for everything, I guess. The high does not worth the pain. At least for now. It might be because the scar is so brand new it stings way worse than what your smile could ever handle. It's 3 in the morning and I can't let you take another hour from me. Not this time.
Oh god, take this feeling away.
Kelvin here, signing off.
Friday, July 7, 2017
Photo Journal : Summertime Sadness
Had been planning to have a test shoot using Sony A6000 but it's always out on the rental. Finally got a chance to use one! Now it's time to channel my summer vibes ~ please enjoy ! constructive criticism is always welcomed.
Thanks Maura for letting me take pictures of you. Please pose slowly next time as the autofocus cannot follow your movement hahaha.
Thanks Maura for letting me take pictures of you. Please pose slowly next time as the autofocus cannot follow your movement hahaha.
After the photoshoot we went to grab some ramen at Moshi Moshi Ramen :)
Too bad I forgot to take a picture of the ramen. I ordered a spicy ramen and it was very delicious! It was also my first real meal of the day haha. I edited the photos right away because I really like how it turned out (thanks technology). I was very disappointed at first since I was hoping for a nice sunset light, yet it was cloudy this evening. But in the end I was very happy! Today is a great day :)
Kelvin here,
Signing off.
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