Oh, The Feels.

Pedih nyatanya yang tak terjawabMampu menjatuhkanku yang dikira tegarKau tepikan aku, kau renggut mimpiYang dulu kita ukir bersamaSeolah aku tak pernah jadi bagian besar dalam hari harimu
Lebih baik kita usai di siniSebelum cerita indah tergantikan pahitnya sakit hatiBukannya aku mudah menyerah, tapi bijaksanaMengerti kapan harus berhentiKu kan menunggu, tapi tak selamanya

Kau tepikan aku, kau renggut mimpiYang dulu kita ukir bersamaSeolah aku tak pernah jadi bagian besar dalam hari-harimuSeolah janji dan kata-kata yang telah terucap kehilangan arti

Lebih baik kita usai di siniSebelum cerita indah tergantikan pahitnya sakit hatiBukannya aku mudah menyerah, tapi bijaksanaMengerti kapan harus berhentiKu kan menunggu tapi tak selamanya

Tak akan jera kupercaya cintaManis dan pahitnya kan kuterimaKini kisah kita akhiri dengan makna

Lebih baik kita usai di siniSebelum cerita indah tergantikan pahitnya sakit hatiBukannya aku mudah menyerah, tapi bijaksanaMengerti kapan harus berhentiKu kan menunggu, tapi tak selamanya.
Thank you for understanding how it feels when no one does.

I Pray For Patience, I Pray For Wisdom.

I don't know. I used to be able to fathom words into sentences that speaks up my mind. I guess I just have too many feelings felt all at once that I can't categorize them properly to further recognize them (or is it the other way around?). But sometimes I think I also feel nothing at all. Is that even possible? It's so intense and numbing at the same time. My theraphist says I might be surpressing my feelings but I call it selective expressing. I don't think it's really that necessary to get all touchy-feeling every second, right? Does holding their feelings makes one a tougher person? Someone wise once said to me that patience is not about letting the anger (or any feeling at all) build up inside you. It's about not losing control of your emotion. Well, isn't holding up your emotion some sort of control?

I asked a lot of questions. I was hoping for my blog to be informative when I first started it yet I asked a lot of (unanswered) questions here. But hey, all great people do (Charles Darwin is one good example). After all, not all who wander are lost, right? 

Defeat does not taste good, darling. The bitterness of it lurks in the shadow, all well prepared for that moment when you let your guard slips down even for just a tiny second. You cannot control defeat, you can only control your guards. And even if you have everything under control that doesn't mean it's not strong enough to break it down. 

Defeat is neither good nor bad. It can be a great whip (do not sing that nae nae song) for some, which then will boost up their spirit again, or it can be a painful stab to one's heart to the point that their soul stops glittering. All that's left is a faint glow, maybe a hint of ember. It should be enough though, the little light, if they just know how to keep it glowing. Hope is, after all, the eternal nemesis of defeat. 

Let there be light even in the darkest place. 

So I'll try to pick myself up. It's not the end of the world. It shouldn't be. I still have a lot to be grateful for. I believe God's plan are better than anyone's. He is the all knowing, He knows how hard one has been working for what they want. He just loves to see His best fighters continue their struggle because He knows they're the strongest of them all. He promises great rewards in the end and He never, ever, breaks His promise.

Kelvin here,

Signing off.  

Stuck in The Same Old Lane

(Still not going to mention the fact that I have no longer wrote on a regular basis)

I can't believe it's the last week of my high school days. We still have prom night and graduation and maybe some administration stuff to look forward to, but my days studying wearing that grey and white uniform is almost over. The next 2 days is the last 2 days of my national exam. At this point I just hope that I don't disappoint my parents. The dream of having a perfect score is just too high :'D

So what's next for me ? That question still haunts me for days even to this second. Most of my friends had already got that figured out. There are a lot of options, from the best to the worst. But how do I choose if I don't even know what I want ?

I know that this whole "I'm trying to figure out what I want to be in life" topic is pretty boring for you, whoever read this post. It has been the main topic for a couple of my past posts. And I am a little bit bored too. I wish my boredom would give me answers. I'm not even 100% sure I know who I am, let alone what I wanna be in life.

But maybe, just maybe, this uncertainty is a good thing. I don't want to be limited by my own choices. But then is it a really good thing if I have a lot (or too many) options ?

I didn't expect being a teenager to be this stressful.

Well, tomorrow's exam is Physics and I suck at it. Like...so bad. Yet here I am snacking and binge-watching 2 Broke Girls and Stitchers.

May the blessings of God be with me, Amen.

Kelvin, signing off.