Lonely Nights

I really don't know how to start this post,but one that I can make sure is this is one of those sad post.Yes,I'm feeling a little bit emotional lately.growth hormones ? I don't know.But if so,I hate them so much.I really can't understand me.It feels like everyone is sooooo annoying lately..are they changing ? or am I the one who is changing ?CAN PLEASE SOMEONE LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE THIS IS FRUSTRATING.

I'm feeling a little bit...well I'm not going to sugarcoat it.I felt so lonely this past few days. It feels like it's only me against the world.where are my friends ? they're here,but I kinda don't feel their existence.I think they're here because they felt like they have to be here only for some "formality".is this normal ?am I turning into this attention-whore I've always been sick of ?I mean,if it is something wrong from me,please do let me know...I think we're mature enough to have those kind of conversation where we share our thoughts and find a way to solve the problem,if there is a problem.but if there are no problem,I shouldn't feel this way,right ? or am I the problem ?

I miss the old you guys,the new one sucks.back to the old days where there are no things such as "I only want to be with A" "I only want to be with B" and things like that. there are only things like I only want us to be together,are you bored ? if so,tell me...I even miss those times when my sister isn't married yet.she's more a friend to me than a sister,but now she's busy with her personal life.don't get me wrong,I don't say that she can't have a family or personal business or something like that.I just think maybe you guys can set a time for me ?I mean,everyone deserves that kind of attention,right ?

You know what I can't stand ?when you said you can't do this particular activities because of this particular reason,while the fact is you're doing it with someone else.I mean...what's the difference ? am I that lame ?haha,I guess I'll never be that cool kid.oh well,I'm not going to apologize for being me.people said that it's better to be alone,because that way,no one can hurt you.I am alone now,but why do I feel so much pain ?

I think I have this new mental disorder that psychologist have found : FoMO,or Fear of Missing Out. Yes,I do have fears that I am no longer in your inner circle.I have fears that I am no longer worth your time.are you guys the one who tried to keep me away,or am I the one who pushed people away from me ?oh my god I really need to see a therapist right now.I only want someone who will be on my side,even when I was wrong.But I guess world is not a wish-granting factory and that is too much to ask,right ?

I always remembered a line from Taylor's song,15.when all you wanted,was to be wanted.wish you could go back,and tell yourself what you know now.so is this a normal phase of a teenager life ?I am so curious,what will I know later ? that line kinda show us that this is not something that's so important.but somehow someway I feel that this is the most important thing on earth,you are important to me,that's why.

Maybe I haven't been that close to Allah..I am so busy trying to connect and having a bond with people,haablum min an-nas,until I forgot that I need to stay connected with Allah.after all,even on my worst days I can always turn to Him.He's a good listener,even though you can't literally see Him hearing you or talking to you.But He will give you that kind of piece in your heart after your pray to Him,insya Allah..

I really have soooo much more to say.but I don't know,I guess this is the only part that I can turn into words.sorry for babbling around,but this is 100% real from my deepest heart (dramatic ?).I don't know if I should hope some of you read this or not,but if you do read this.you'll know what you have to do,right ?