Echo #3 : Perks of Being Alone

"you know what comes along with being alone?"

"loneliness?"

"no, peace."

Photo Journal : Un Jardin Sur Le Nil

but maybe darling -- just maybe, heaven looks like this.

special thanks to Nadim, Khamila, Dila for their time
Kak Dince, Erlangga and Ais for the wardrobe
Iqbal for the Make Up
constructive criticism are very welcomed!

What's Next?

WHERE HAVE I BEEN? I know, right.

I always proudly say that I am an introvert, but I cant deny that I always long to have some kind of social connection, or wanting to go to social gatherings more than I thought I would want. Looking back, I think I have spent too much of my free time going out with friends. Even if it’s only for a simple meal or even an actual day out. I also joined some organisations in the past year and they have quite a schedule: recruitments, strategic meetings, executing programs and activites, you name it. I guess partly that’s because it feels effortless to spend time with your loved ones. I am one who gets bored easily, so the idea of spending time without feeling like you actually spend the time (you know how time flies when you’re surrounded by amazing people?) amused me. 

it isn’t necessarily bad, but I’ve been wondering if it does any good at this point. I haven’t done the things I used to love in a long time: blogging and journaling my thoughts and feelings. In this modern and digital world, everything can be a content or a way of gaining publicity. But I wrote this blog mainly for myself, so that I can look back and see where I have been and where I am now. Whether I am making some progress or not, whether I am stuck in the same loop over and over again. Let’s call it a way of reflecting myself (BHE much?). It actually requires dedicated time, and I haven't had that what with all the dine outs and gatherings and events. Most of the time I ended up tired and fell asleep in my bed only to do it all over again the next day.

The thing is, the euphoria you get after a social gathering or an event or even a serious (and potentially boring) meeting but one that generates meaningful results/decisions is very addictive. You feel…actualized? If that’s a word. You feel like you have done something to better things. You feel like you actually mean something in this big, scary world. You feel like finally you can say “hey! I have a share in this too!”

Addiction can be scary because it forces you to do it over and over again. Per definition, you are addicted when you can no longer help but to do it. I don’t know if I was in that stage or not, but I’m glad to finally realize that all good things must come to an end. It’s reassuring to believe that I will find other ways to actualize myself again. I guess you could say that I have found closure in this part of my journey to adulthood. In the meantime, I might as well enjoy and use this time to refocus my purpose. I can use this as a turning point to actually rethink of what I want to achieve with all of this and whether this has been the right way to do it.

Okay, so enough now with the contemplation. My last post was in 2017 and A LOT has happened since. I can wait to archive my journey, thoughts, feelings and self realization in the past 2 years. If I can actually remember and put them in a coherent piece of writing, that is.

Okay then, got tons of shit to do.

Kelvin here,

Signing off.

Echo #2 : You.

When you’ve been looking for something for so long and then on one perfect day you finally found it, can you actually ever forget about it?

                                    Can you ever get over it? 

Can I ever get over you?

Cuivis Dolori Remedium Est Patientia.

Been reading this great book by Ika Natassa titled The Architecture of Love and it brings back the waves. It never goes away, but I am trying to never show it again to the point where I almost believe that I am healing. I thought I have mastered the art of swimming/surfing to the coast, yet here I am diving deeper into the abyss. Deeper and deeper until it becomes too deep. Funny how I cried less and less and less, yet I miss you more and more and more.

I think I find a lot of similarities with Raia, the main character of the story. The way she thinks. The way she uses words (in the novel, she is a writer). The way she lost and try to find herself. And also, the way she fell in love. I almost want to meet her only to remember that she is only fictional.

"Banyak hal yang lebih mudah disarankan daripada dilakukan. Seperti meminta maaf, memulai sesuatu dari awal, pindah, sampai menyatakan cinta." said Ika in her book. I don't know which word I really want to say. Both of them, I guess. Yet at the same time, I also have to start over. Wow. Now I know why it felt so hard.

"Satu hal yang menenangkan dari patah hati adalah paling tidak, tidak ada seorang pun yang kebal darinya," she said again.

I think the hardest person to be patient with is yourself. I have this high expectation of myself to handle everything "like an adult". Even my therapist tell me to do so. Come to think of it, what does handling everything like an adult means? Does it mean being "professional", able to function properly as a productive human being, part of a bigger and more productive society, even though you're falling apart everyday inside? Is it even possible? Is it even humane to even expect something like that from someone? What kind of world are we live in right now? They all said it's a cruel one, but never have I ever thought it would be this heartless.

I'm someone who always try to do something as fast and efficient as I possibly can. But with heartbreak, there's no instant fix. As far as I know, there's no medication that can take away the pain (hell, we don't even know the exact pathophysiological mechanism of a heartbreak!) there might be some things that momentarily relieves the pain such as spending time with friends or being busy and productive, but a great physician treats the disease and not the illness, right? At least now I know how it feels to have an (seemingly) incurable disease.

They said time heals everything. If time is the drug, then the amount of it is the dose. I wonder how much do I need for it to heal the scars and the wounds you left me with. I wonder if it was because the scars were too deep, or the cuts keep forming new ones everyday. "Love someone who didn't love you back, and you'll die daily" they said.

I hate how even after all this time, you still have this great effect in my life, the way I think and do everything. But maybe I have worn a rose-stained glass a tad too thick for you to handle. I'm sorry.
To you, my achilles heel.
You still are.

Signing off,
K

Photo Journal : The Playground and The Tennis Court #2

do wait for part three babessssss

Self-Reminder

Yang patah tumbuh, yang hilang berganti. Yang hancur lebur akan terobati. Yang sia-sia akan jadi makna. Yang terus berulang suatu saat henti. Yang pernah jatuh ‘kan berdiri lagi.

Yang patah tumbuh, yang hilang berganti.
Yang patah (semoga) tumbuh,
Yang hilang (semoga) berganti.

Semoga.