i guess its true what they say, the fact that you can never know how strong you are, or even the fact that you can be that strong, until being strong is the only choice you have. People say that life is very dynamic, that you should expect nothing from life. All you gotta do is to live it the best way you can. It seems like by doing that, the universe will conspire to give you just the best too.
but what if in certain moments you thought you had given your best but it was still not enough? who created these standards anyway, who gets to decide which one is worthy and which one is not? the system is funny.
all my life i thought i had gathered enough supplies to stand by my own on this journey of life. i was never the cool and popular kid, and so I learned to depend on only me. I was also never the joker of the class, and so I tried to help everyone as much as I could; at least I’ve given them something. these kind of mindset helped me feel better about myself. but does it actually make me a better person, or is all just an illusion?
I just realized that maybe I’ve never bravely faced my flaws and disappointments. I always try to make it up by doing everything else that I could. I accept my flaws by doing more and more and more. by raising my expectations that its okay if I can’t do this thing BECAUSE I can do this other thing. Why can’t I just stop at “it’s okay if I can’t do this, we’ll try again.”? The fact that my society, the circle I went into, have zero tolerance of being wrong doesn’t make it any better either.
I guess what I’m feeling very sad about was the feeling of inadequacy. that you are not good enough. that you are nothing compared to those people. I should’ve known better since there are literally 7 billion people in the world and I’m not even in the top 50% of that. but I thought I did what everyone was doing, so why don’t I get the same results? it’s not a great feeling knowing that you disappoint yourself right in this moment. not the mention the additional burden of disappointing your loved ones and the feeling of humiliation you get after failing. ah. life sometimes do suck.
now this should be the part where I usually write about my self reflections on this certain experience and what we can learn from it. but surprise surprise here I am disappointing myself again. one of the reasons why I haven’t posted much on my blog in the past 2 years or so is because I haven’t been able to create coherent writings to say what I want to say. it’s getting too loud in my head and organizing it takes a lot of time that I’d rather spend doing anything else. this is a bad coping mechanism and I should’ve known better, but ha knowledge has no correlation with motivation, or so do the researches say.
but I guess moral of the story was that I need to realize that I am not that trained to be strong. all my life I have lived a relatively smooth life. I always have roof upon my head, foods to eat at the table, I can splurge in tertiary things such as cellphones and laptops, come to think of it, what more do you need?
this too shall pass darling. this too shall pass.
