Cuivis Dolori Remedium Est Patientia.

Been reading this great book by Ika Natassa titled The Architecture of Love and it brings back the waves. It never goes away, but I am trying to never show it again to the point where I almost believe that I am healing. I thought I have mastered the art of swimming/surfing to the coast, yet here I am diving deeper into the abyss. Deeper and deeper until it becomes too deep. Funny how I cried less and less and less, yet I miss you more and more and more.

I think I find a lot of similarities with Raia, the main character of the story. The way she thinks. The way she uses words (in the novel, she is a writer). The way she lost and try to find herself. And also, the way she fell in love. I almost want to meet her only to remember that she is only fictional.

"Banyak hal yang lebih mudah disarankan daripada dilakukan. Seperti meminta maaf, memulai sesuatu dari awal, pindah, sampai menyatakan cinta." said Ika in her book. I don't know which word I really want to say. Both of them, I guess. Yet at the same time, I also have to start over. Wow. Now I know why it felt so hard.

"Satu hal yang menenangkan dari patah hati adalah paling tidak, tidak ada seorang pun yang kebal darinya," she said again.

I think the hardest person to be patient with is yourself. I have this high expectation of myself to handle everything "like an adult". Even my therapist tell me to do so. Come to think of it, what does handling everything like an adult means? Does it mean being "professional", able to function properly as a productive human being, part of a bigger and more productive society, even though you're falling apart everyday inside? Is it even possible? Is it even humane to even expect something like that from someone? What kind of world are we live in right now? They all said it's a cruel one, but never have I ever thought it would be this heartless.

I'm someone who always try to do something as fast and efficient as I possibly can. But with heartbreak, there's no instant fix. As far as I know, there's no medication that can take away the pain (hell, we don't even know the exact pathophysiological mechanism of a heartbreak!) there might be some things that momentarily relieves the pain such as spending time with friends or being busy and productive, but a great physician treats the disease and not the illness, right? At least now I know how it feels to have an (seemingly) incurable disease.

They said time heals everything. If time is the drug, then the amount of it is the dose. I wonder how much do I need for it to heal the scars and the wounds you left me with. I wonder if it was because the scars were too deep, or the cuts keep forming new ones everyday. "Love someone who didn't love you back, and you'll die daily" they said.

I hate how even after all this time, you still have this great effect in my life, the way I think and do everything. But maybe I have worn a rose-stained glass a tad too thick for you to handle. I'm sorry.
To you, my achilles heel.
You still are.

Signing off,
K

Photo Journal : The Playground and The Tennis Court #2

do wait for part three babessssss

Self-Reminder

Yang patah tumbuh, yang hilang berganti. Yang hancur lebur akan terobati. Yang sia-sia akan jadi makna. Yang terus berulang suatu saat henti. Yang pernah jatuh ‘kan berdiri lagi.

Yang patah tumbuh, yang hilang berganti.
Yang patah (semoga) tumbuh,
Yang hilang (semoga) berganti.

Semoga.